Being a Student is Hard

We live in a life of troubles. Believe it or not.

To make things worse, the troubles often come from ourselves.

I've been thinking about this for a long time, but haven't quite found the principle behind this.

Imagine this. When you're the so-claimed intelligent student, you should be thankful, am I right? And you shouldn't let those who believe you are intelligent down. But the thing is, sometimes one has the tendency to be lazy. Well, that happens to me. I am lazy. Very lazy, as my mom often claims. The thing is, no matter how lazy I am, I seem to can't stop studying. I don't want to let anyone down, to tell you the truth. So, I set a quite high standard for myself.

And that's the beginning of the trouble.

I was so perfectionist that I often found myself in despair. Desperate, and frustated. By myself, for worse. I admit, I am one lazy girl. I prefer watching TV to studying. But since I want to get high marks, I have to study, don't I? So this is what I do, I sit in front of the TV set, and in my lap is my notes, textbooks, or whatever that is I have to study. Because of this habit, I often have to study until late at night (not so late, actually, max. until 11 or 12, no longer). And usually I have no mood to study, so I don't memorize the subject a lot.

Miraculously, no matter how lazy I am, I seem to always get the mark which I consider bad, but which at the same time my classmates consider to be high. For example, I set a standard of 90 for Math, and I get 80, one of the highest marks in the class. Now, which feelings should I have, grateful because I get one of the highest marks, or regretful because I don't achieve my standards?

And look, I try to have both. I regret not studying hard. I can't really change my habit for years, you know. I am too concerned with other things. But at the same time I try to be grateful since God still give me one of the best marks in the class. The trouble is, I can't hide my disappointment for getting an 80 instead of a 90.

And the surroundings often says, "Look, you've got 80, and I've got 50, which one will you prefer if you were me?"

But they don't understand.

A few days ago, one of my classmates (I won't tell you who) said, "Do you notice? Rin seems to want to join us. When we say 'I'm afraid my report card has bad mark' then Rin will say 'Same here, I'm afraid my mark will be bad' although in the reality she gets good marks." I only smiled at this. I know they were joking, and I wouldn't take it seriously, but still, sometimes it hurts.

Then, what should I do? Let my grades slip down, or should I keep my grades as good as ever, or even better? Aww. I don't want to think about it. Seriously.

Being a student is surely hard, especially when you are in the position of one of the top-ranked students.

-Rin-